Confessions of a Prairie Bitch



One of my earliest educational memories was of being read to in class from the Laura Ingalls Wilder’s book Little House in the Big Woods.  I own a complete set of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books I intend to someday share with my grandkids.  The struggles endured by pioneer families has intrigued me ever since.  In 2008, my wife accompanied me as I marked an item off my bucket list.  Starting in Independence, Mo. we followed the Oregon Trail 2000 miles across the prairies and mountains and streams to Oregon City.  The only bad thing about the trip was that gas prices averaged $4.15 a gallon.   On the other hand, sometimes we would go for miles without seeing another vehicle.  It was like we had the road to ourselves.

My favorite books about the struggles of pioneers are personal journals they kept, and I am always on the lookout for pioneer books I’ve not yet read.   Recently while I was scanning eBook titles for reading material, one title caught my eye:  Confessions of a Prairie Bitch.  I’m guessing you are acquainted with the author, Alison Arngrim, even though you may not be aware of it.  As a child actress, Alison was hated by millions for her role as bratty Nellie Oleson in the long-running TV series based on a Laura Ingalls Wilder book, Little House on the Prairie.

In the same TV Guide I found that listed Eddie Haskell as #2 in the top-ten list of all-time TV brats, Nellie Oleson came in third.  I guess Confessions of a Prairie Brat just doesn’t have the same attention-grabbing power as Confessions of a Prairie Bitch.

In her entertaining book, Alison shares stories of her dysfunctional childhood and anecdotes from her seven years on the set of one of the most popular TV shows of all-time.  Did you ever notice that Pa Ingalls (Michael Landon) never wore underwear?  Yeah, me neither.  Alison shares some of her classic villain dialogue from the show in her book.  Like, “You know, it’s not easy being the richest girl in town”, and “I’ll fix you, Laura Ingalls!”  In one episode, Laura had this encounter with her Pa after she and Nellie got into a fight.

Pa:  Now, Half-Pint, you heard what I said.  You won’t do it again?

Laura:  Oh no, Pa, I promise.  I won’t have to.  Nellie’s scared of me now!

 

The show ran from 1974 to 1983, 211 episodes in all, and you can probably go to your TV right now and find a rerun to watch. 

As she was penning her pioneer memories, Laura Ingalls Wilder observed “The real things haven’t changed.  It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures;  And to have courage when things go wrong.”  The show generally upholds that ideal.  With the exception of Nellie, the prairie brat/bitch who made her way through childhood with insults, bullying and bribery.  Like “You listen to me, Willie.  You tell on me and I’ll say you’re lying.  You know they’ll believe me, because you lie more than I do.  But if you don’t say anything, I’ll give you chocolate and gumdrops.  Lots of them . . .”

Confessions of a Prairie Bitch is currently available from Barnes and Noble as an eBook for $2.99, and well worth it, especially if you are a fan of the TV series.

After finding references to Eddie Haskell and Nellie Oleson as TV Guide’s #2 & #3 all-time TV brats, my curiosity was piqued about the rest of the list.  I couldn’t find it.  But my wife did.  Thanks to her for her research, and here for your review is the “Top 10 TV Brat’s” list.

10.  A. J. Soprano (The Sopranos)

9.    Reese (Malcolm in the Middle)

8.    Dennis the Menace in the show of the same name

7.    Wayne Arnold (The Wonder Years)

6.    Danny Partridge (The Partridge Family)

5.    Dee Thomas (What’s Happening?)

4.    The Scavo Brothers, Parker, Preston & Porter (Desperate Housewives)

3.     Nellie Oleson (Little House on the Prairie)

2.     Eddie Haskell (Leave it to Beaver)

1.     Bart Simpson (The Simpsons) (Gotta admit, that Bart Simpson is a heck of an actor!)

 

 





4-20 - Marijuana, Mayhem and Happy Memories

There was a birthday party at our house over the weekend.  Our son’s birthday is April 20, not that I didn’t do everything I could for him to be born on April 19.  If only he and my wife had cooperated.  Here is the story:

It was Easter Sunday, 1981 – April 19.  My wife was “great with child”, but she had been to her Ob-Gyn only two days earlier and was told “it will be a couple more weeks”.  We had been to church and I was just settling down to watch the Kansas City Kings on TV  in a rare playoff appearance.  That's right - KC used to have an NBA franchise.  My wife was on the phone with her parents advising them to relax.  Their first grandchild would most likely be born in May.  Then, just before tip-off, her water broke.   We lived in south Kansas City at the time.  Her Ob-Gyn practiced at Menorah Hospital – 28 stoplights into the heart of KC.  I ran 27 of them.  26 hours after my best Dukes of Hazard driving imitation our son was born.

In fairness to her, neither of us realized that April 20 is not the best day to be born for two reasons (and even if we had been, he was in no hurry to make his appearance): 

1.      It is Hitler’s birthday.  Consequently, neo-nazi skinhead types all seem to try to outdo themselves with acts of terror on April 20.  Columbine is one example.  The Oklahoma City bombing was close, taking place on April 19; and,

2.     If you aren’t aware, “420-friendly” refers to people who like to smoke pot.  Since Colorado and Washington have more or less legalized pot smoking for anyone with the inclination to fake certain medical conditions, April 20 (4-20) is the day they selected for thousands of glassy-eyed pot smokers to gather and celebrate their new-found freedom. 

This year’s senseless act of terror took place on April 15 and was non-neo-nazi related.  The good news is that one bomber was dead and the other was in police custody before April 20. 

On the 420-front, you may have heard about the gunplay that took place at Colorado’s 420-weedfest?  Rapper Lil’ Flip was performing on stage within earshot of the Colorado State Capitol when gunshots erupted.  Skater boy Ian Bay was riding his skate board and listening to alternative music on his headphones at the time.  He heard neither Lil’ Flip nor the shots, but looked up to see a stampede of people headed right at him. 

“I sort of panicked” he said.  “I thought I was going through an anxiety thing because so many people were coming after me!”  Yeah, I guess it might take a while to get used to smoking pot in public.  Here is a link to a video of some eyewitnesses to the shooting that resulted in thousands of pot smokers going from mellow to running  full-speed in 4.1 seconds (warning: explicit language)(copy and paste if necessary):

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMSbj0VJnVw

I suspect it will be a very long time before a similar event takes place here in Jefferson City at the Missouri State Capitol.

So, happy birthday to my son!  Thankfully, he has no neo-nazi tendencies and hates smoking, tobacco, marijuana or otherwise.  April 20 may have acquired some negative connotations, but April 20, 1981 was still the best day of my life. 

Frank Bank (aka Lumpy Rutherford) Cashes in his Chips

Beaver, June & Wally seated, Lumpy and Eddie standing

 

Just a week after iconic Mouseketeer Annette Funicello succumbed to Multiple Sclerosis, another actor from a popular TV series of my youth has died.  Frank Bank, who portrayed Clarence "Lumpy" Rutherford on the Leave it to Beaver show passed away on April 13.

 

 

Frank portrayed a dim-witted, chubby bully on the show which featured Ward & June Cleaver and their sons, Wally and Theodore (The Beaver) as an all-American family.  There aren't too many shows about which I can say I've seen every episode, but Leave it to Beaver falls in that category.  Leave it to Beaver aired in an era when parents disciplined their kids, including spanking, and each show had a moral.

 

The show aired from 1957-1963.  The  first episode was shown on October 4, 1957, the same day the Soviet Union launched Sputnit 4.   Occasionally, dialogue about the Cold War made it into the show.  In one episode, Eddie Haskell commented that he didn't think Ward, Wally and Beaver's dad, liked him very much.  "Why would you say that?" asked Wally.  "On account of the way he looks at me when he opens the door. Sometimes I think he'd be happier to see Khrushchev standing there."  For those too young and/or historically-challenged to recall, Nikita Khrushchev was the Soviet Premier who, while addressing the UN, took off a shoe, pounded the podium, and declared to the US, "WE WILL BURY YOU!"  In another episode, Beaver comments "I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt God. He's got enough trouble with the Russians and all."

 

These days, most of the parents in Leave it to Beaver would have a Social Services investigator knocking on their door.  Here is bit of child-rearing advice offered by Fred Rutherford, Lumpy's dad:  "Have to keep a firm hand on boys nowadays, Ward. My Clarence answered me back the other day. I smacked him right in the mouth. None of this psychology for me".

 

In one episode, Wally and the Beaver attempt to deal with Lumpy's bullying by luring him out of his house.  Here's a bit of dialogue from that episode:

 

Wally Cleaver: [shouting] Lumpy! Hey, Lumpy! C'mon out, Lumpy!

Fred Rutherford: Gwendoline, what's that?
Gwen Rutherford: Sounds like somebody calling.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: [shouting] Lumpy, dumpy, you big ape!
Fred Rutherford: Must be for Clarence.
Wally Cleaver: [shouting] Hey, Meathead! Meathead!
Gwen Rutherford: Might be for you, dear.

 

 

In honor of Lumpy's passing, here is some more of my favorite dialogue from the show:

 

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: [Ward wants to see Beaver in the den] Is Dad mad?

Wally Cleaver: Yeah, but Mom's in there.

Wally Cleaver: Did Dad hit ya?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: No.
Wally Cleaver: Did he yell at ya?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: No.
Wally Cleaver: Then why ya cryin'?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Sometimes things get so messed up, crying is the only thing you can do.

Wally Cleaver: Hi Dad. I didn't do anything.
Ward Cleaver: Why do you say that?
Wally Cleaver: Well, I don't know, but, uh, you have that look on your face like somebody did something.

 

Larry Mondello: That was a great jungle movie, huh Beav?

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Yeah, but there was too much kissin' and not enough apes.

 

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Hey Wally, how come Dad's taking us out to dinner and a show?

Wally Cleaver: I don't know; I think it's on account of togetherness; like you read about in the magazines. You know, it's supposed to make us a happy family and all that kind of junk.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Couldn't we be a happy family just eatin' in the kitchen?
Wally Cleaver: Na, that's no good. Ya' gotta' go out and show people you're a happy family.

 

THEODORE 'BEAVER' CLEAVER  [referring to Wally] Boy! You know, Dad? He really gets a goofy look on his face when he talks to girls. His face gets all red and sweaty. It's like he was catching a fever or something.

WARD CLEAVER  Well, you know, Beaver, it is a kind of a fever - and, uh, one that you'll be catching one of these days, probably.

THEODORE 'BEAVER' CLEAVER  Well, I just hope when I get to be Wally's age they'll have shots for it or something.

 

JUNE CLEAVER  Wally, don't they teach you any manners at school?

WALLACE 'WALLY' CLEAVER  You know, that's funny, Mom. At school they're always saying, "don't they ever teach you any manners at home?".

 

THEODORE 'BEAVER' CLEAVER  [getting babysitting pointers from Wally] Am I allowed to hit him?

WALLACE 'WALLY' CLEAVER  No, you can't do that. It's against the law. Only parents have the legal right to shove their kids around.

 

JUNE CLEAVER  [entering Ward's den] Did you balance out the checkbook yet?

WARD CLEAVER  No - almost. Um - oh uh, dear, what's this entry here? The stub says eight sixty-nine, but no check came back from the bank.

JUNE CLEAVER  Well, I couldn't get the checkbook to balance, so I wrote a check for eight sixty-nine and then tore it up.

WARD CLEAVER  [dryly] You know, dear, they could use you in Washington.

 

EDDIE HASKELL  Gee, your kitchen always looks so clean.

JUNE CLEAVER  Why, thank you, Eddie.

EDDIE HASKELL  My mother says it looks as though you never do any work in here.

(Note - Eddie Haskell came second in a TV GUIDE article listing the "10 Biggest TV Brats of all-time")

 

Each episode typically had a moral or shared some wisdom.  Here is an introduction to an episode where the plot involved Beaver losing his haircut money and having his brother Wally give him a haircut so he doesn't have to tell his parents:

 

WARD CLEAVER  When you're young, there are some thing you have to learn. How to catch a baseball. And good table manners don't come too easily. But when you're a boy, losing things is one of the few lessons you don't have to learn. And that's our story tonight on "Leave it to Beaver."

(Dialogue during the haircut)
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Are ya' finished yet, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Well, I don't know if I'm finished, but I think I better stop. Wow, you like the Wilson's Airedale when he had the mange.

 

Back to Ward's introduction - "But when you're a boy, losing things is one of the few lessons you don't have to learn."  - now THAT is a statement I could identify with when I was a kid.  Now that I think about it, if you substitute "Baby Boomer" for "boy" in that line, fifty years later I can STILL identify with it!

 

R.I.P. Frank Bank, aka Clarence "Lumpy" Rutherford April 12, 1942 - April 13, 2013 

 

 

 

 

Relentless

Bill Rodgers Wins 1979 Boston Marathon



It's been 34 years, almost half my life, since I visited Boston, the site of yesterday's terrorist attack near the finish line of the Boston Marathon.  The Boston Marathon had taken place just prior to our 1979 visit.  31-year-old Bill Rodgers, same age as me at the time, had set a new record of 2:09:27 for the 26.2 mile race.  Age was not the only similarity I shared with Bill Rodgers.  Running times were another.  He finished the LAST TWO MILES of the 1979 marathon in 9 minutes and 20 seconds, the EXACT SAME TIME it took me to run ONE MILE at the time. 

 

The most surprising thing about Boston for my wife and me was that we loved it.  Prior to our trip I visualized Boston as a large eastern metropolis full of stereotypically gruff easterners with little patience for visitors from an overgrown cow town like Kansas City.  Nothing could have been further from the truth (except for taxi drivers).  We found Bostonians to be friendly, helpful and patient (except for taxi drivers). 

 

My favorite memories include:

 

1.  Faneuil Hall, a market/dining/meeting place in Boston since 1742.

2.  Being introduced to spinach salads and popovers.

3.  Following the Freedom Trail, a yellow line on the sidewalk to guide able-bodied tourists on a walking tour of Boston's history.

4.  Visiting Bill Rodgers' Running Center.

5.  Taking day trips north to Salem's House of the Seven Gables and south to Plymouth Village and Cape Cod's Hyannis Port, site of the Kennedy Compound.

 

My least favorite memories include:

 

1.  Paying as much to park my rental car as it cost to rent it.

2.  Navigating the narrow streets of Boston by car in pre-GPS days.

3.  Looking in the rear view mirror and seeing a taxi and another vehicle actively engaged in road rage trying to run each other off the road near Boston Commons.

4.  Returning to Boston from Salem at rush hour, waiting in a traffic jam to take the tunnel under the Boston Harbor, making it through after 45 minutes, and then finding myself in the wrong lane and being funneled back through the tunnel in the direction I had just come from and having to wait in the same traffic jam all over again.

 

Fortunately, my memories of Boston do not include bombs and shrapnel and bloodied spectators and missing limbs like those who were in Boston for the 2013 Marathon.  In 1979, Boston Marathon winner Bill Rodgers said "If you want to win a race you have to go a little berserk".  In 2013, a revision is in order:  "If you want to win (or attend) a race you've got to watch out for people who are berserk".

 

In 1979 it was Bill Rodgers who was described as "relentless". 

 

In 2013, I hope that will describe those responsible for finding and bringing to justice the person or persons responsible for the blood that was shed on Boylston Street at the 2013 Boston Marathon.

My prayers go out to those who are suffering as a result of the Boston Marathon bombing.  And my sympathy goes out to Lelisa Desisa.  He trained hard, traveled from Ethiopia and won the 2013 Boston Marathon - the only Boston Marathon in 117 years that will be remembered for what was lost instead of who won.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Making the Best of a Bad Situation

1944 Bombay Explosion Witnessed by Patricia Funk

 

 

On April 14, 1944, sixty-nine years ago today, the cargo ship Fort Stikine exploded while berthed at a dock in Bombay, India.  1300 people perished in the massive explosion.  3000 more were injured.  Since World War II was raging at the time, the incident was initially suspected to be an act of Japanese sabotage.  Though it was later deemed an accident, many were unconvinced.  One who always suspected the Japanese were responsible was 19-year-old Patricia Funk who was near the harbor when the ship exploded.  Two things you might find interesting about Ms. Funk:

1.      She was in Bombay as a refugee after being evacuated from Singapore where she had been attending school.  The Japanese had attacked Singapore one day after their surprise attack on Pearl Harbor.

2.     In 1972, not entirely to her liking, she would become my mother-in-law.

Though she passed away on September 11, 2007, here is her account of that that day in Bombay:

April 13, 1944 – I met a Eurasian military nurse known as “The Angel of Mercy” while attending a party.  She was stationed at an Army-Navy hospital on the Burma Road.  Her real name was Molly Brown.  The parties here are a respite from the misery the war is causing.  Molly told me about the death and destruction of military and civilians on the Burma Road.  Sickness, starvation, exhaustion, malaria, dysentery and other diseases took their toll.  Many died on the road and were just pushed to the side by the military.  There was no time for burial because the Japanese were not far behind.

Molly told me she could still hear those poor people being shot at and the sputtering of machine guns in her dreams.  I told her similar stories about my days in Singapore and the bombing and shooting by the Japanese.  But we were away from the front.  Tonight we were dining and dancing.  In the morning I had planned a tour of Bombay on a double-decker bus.

April 14, 1944 – After breakfast we got on the bus and off we went on a tour of Bombay.  We had no sooner got near the beaches and harbor when a huge explosion shook the bus and everyone on it.  The bus came to a screeching halt and the driver told everyone to exit quickly.  Vehicles of all types were stopped everywhere and, in the chaos, people were in shock and trying to regain their senses. 

Speculation ran rampant about the incident, from Japanese sabotage to a direct Japanese bombing attack.  In a few minutes, however, a police patrol arrived and told us that a huge tanker ship in the harbor had blown up.  We were allowed back on the bus and, from the top deck, we could see that there was total panic in the harbor.  Military vehicles and personnel were all over the harbor helping the injured sailors and civilians.

 Later all everyone talked about was what had happened at the harbor.  Molly and I got adventurous and decided it must be safe enough to view the wreck.  At the beach we met several friends who were pointing at some dogs in the distance.  The dogs were fighting over victim’s body parts floating in on the tide.  We still believed that the Japanese had something to do with the carnage and I never went back to that harbor again. 

Even in the worst of times, life goes on.  While in Bombay, Patricia Funk eventually met and fell in love with Highlandville, Mo. resident Howard Flood who was stationed in Bombay with the U.S. Army Air Corps.  They met at an ice cream parlor.  So it was that while enjoying one love of his life, ice cream, Howard was introduced to ANOTHER love his life, Patricia Funk.  They were married for 57 years before Howard passed away in 2003.  I have now been (mostly) happily married to their daughter for 40+ years.   But, when looking back over the twists and turns of the path my life has taken, I sometimes wonder how the course of my life would have been altered had Japanese bombs NOT forced a Malaysian schoolgirl to flee for her life in 1941.

(Correction:  After reading this blog about her mom, my wife noticed a mistake.  Apparently I have been COMPLETELY, not "mostly" happily married for 40+ years.)

 

 

Joseph Stravinskas' Very Bad Day



Joseph Stravinskas



A lot of people don't like Mondays.  Heck, even the now-former Pope gave his two-week notice on a Monday.  Things weren't exactly all rainbows and roses for Joseph Stravinskas BEFORE Monday.  He was homeless and living in the woods in Connecticut, a state with the 4th highest per capita income in America. 

Then things got worse.

Joseph decided to take a little target practice.  All he had was a BB gun, but just maybe he could get good enough with it to shoot a squirrel or a rabbit.  Hey, when you're homeless, meat for the table is meat for the table.


Unbeknownst to Joseph, a motorcade carrying President Obama to a gun control speech was passing nearby.


When it rains, it pours.
 

An alert Hartford detective heard a suspicious noise and discovered Joseph, BB gun at the ready, plinking a row of tin cans he had set up in the woods.  He ordered Joseph to drop his weapon.  The bad news is that, when Joseph didn't immediately comply with a request from some guy in plain clothes, he was thrown to the ground, arrested, and charged with "breach of peace, threatening, and interfering with police".   I imagine homeless people ARE pretty protective of what few possessions they own so I can understand Joseph's reluctance to immediately throw down his BB gun.  The good news is that he doesn't have to worry about where his next meal is coming from.  Since, like the majority of homeless people, Joseph was unable to post $15,000 bail, he is now incarcerated in the Hartford jail.

While I would never downplay the dangers faced daily by law enforcement personnel, I suspect Joseph's arrest was a serious over-reaction on the part of the detective that discovered him plinking cans in the woods.  Perhaps he sincerely thought President Obama was in danger.  (YOU'LL SHOOT PRESIDENT OBAMA'S EYE OUT!) I doubt it.  More likely he saw it as a chance to, say, maybe get invited to have a beer in the White House.   Speaking as a former BB gun owner, I don't see how anyone the least bit familiar with weapons could witness someone shooting cans with a BB gun in the woods, even an OFFICIAL RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION TWO-HUNDRED SHOT RANGE MODEL AIR RIFLE (with a compass in the stock) and perceive it as a danger to anything but a bird or a rabbit or a squirrel (from close range). 

Guess you can't be too careful.  Those things DO a have high-capacity BB magazines.

Meanwhile, in Cypress, Texas yesterday, a student STABBED 14 people before being subdued and arrested.  Which brings two questions to mind:

1.  Do we need more stringent knife control laws? and

2.  How the heck do you manage to stab 14 people in Texas without getting shot?

An Anything Can Happen Life

Annette Funicello, an original Mouseketeer, died today at the age of 70.  My memories of Annette take me back to the summer of 1956.  Annette was 13.  I was a mature 7-year-old (soon to be 8).  Each sweltering weekday afternoon my brother and I would lay on the hardwood floor of my grandparent's home in Vinita, Oklahoma to enjoy a new show . . . The Mickey Mouse Club.  It was in black-and-white, but then, everything was.  Color TV was an unaffordable luxury for most people I knew until the late '60's.  So was air conditioning.  My grandparents home was cooled (?) by a window fan that blew air across a puddle of water at the base.  Worked just fine as far as I was concerned.

Annette Funicello was discovered by Walt Disney himself in 1955 and became the 24th, and final, Mouseketeer.  Many would say the cutest too.  At the height of her mousecapades she received 6000 fan letters a week.  For a sample of the show, click on the following link (or copy and paste):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=_9BWW6Mb7oA

From singing about "Anything Can Happen" days, Annette went on to have an "Anything Can Happen" life.  She described Walt Disney as a "second father" and remained under contract with Disney after the "The Mickey Mouse Club" show ended.  She went on to star in a series of "beach" movies with Frankie Avalon, but at Mr. Disney's request, she didn't bare her navel (on-screen) until 1964 at the ripe old age of 21.

After she married Jack Gilardi in 1965,  Annette left beach movies behind to raise a family.  It was in 1987 when she and Frankie Avalon reunited to film Back to the Beach that Annette began showing signs of Multiple Sclerosis.  Her diagnosis was made public in 1992.  Annette once said she sometimes asked herself "Why me?"  The late KC Royal pitcher, Dan Quisenberry, had the best answer I've ever heard to that question.  After he was diagnosed with a brain tumor, a reporter asked him if he ever asked "Why me?"  Dan said "no", and then added  "Why not me?"


According to Annette's family, she'd been in a coma for years.  I'm sorry that her life, with so many memorable "anything can happen" days, didn't have a Disneyesque "happily ever after" ending. 

At the end of each Mickey Mouse Club show, the Mouseketeers would join together to sing a sad farewell to their fans.  As a farewell to Annette, click here to listen to that goodbye song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNK5KzI48mM&feature=player_embedded

For many Baby Boomers, that final "See Ya Real Soon!" becomes more meaningful everyday.

Rest in peace, Annette.  Or as the Mouseketeers might sing it,

R-E-S   T-I-N   P-E-A-C-E

Looking for Love in Electronic Places

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