In Bolivar, Mo., twenty-year-old Blaec Lammers was arrested Friday before he could carry out his plan to duplicate a Colorado movie shooting that killed 12 people. Bolivar is only 30 miles from Springfield where I grew up. It's the home of a Baptist college and was once recognized for having the least crime of any small town in America. Springfield residents always suspected that the reason Bolivar had such a low crime rate was because Bolivar residents came to Springfield to commit their crimes but that was only a hunch.
Despite the fact that deranged people now seem to prefer movie theaters as their first choice for mayhem, my wife and I recently attended the grand opening of the new James Bond movie, Skyfall. We went to the early bird show on the day the movie opened. Average age of attendees at that showing was approximately 65 (which is still younger than the original James Bond). If Blaec, or some other unbalanced person like him, had chosen to open fire at that theater my guess is there would have been several people firing back at him. And a few bullets flying back at someone like that might cause them to have some second thoughts - even if he/she is wearing a bullet proof vest. While a bullet proof vest can stop the bullet from penetrating the skin, it cannot stop the force with which it arrives. I'm told it is similar to to getting hit with a baseball bat wherever the bullet strikes.
In the three years I've had my permit I've never had the occasion to use it. Thank God. The only times I've fired the gun, other than practice, was to kill a copperhead I nearly stepped on in my driveway and a large snapping turtle that was making swimming in our pond a little too exciting.
The third time came Friday night.
My neighbor, Rich, picked up a bunch of people from our rural neighborhood and we went out to eat. A major topic of discussion was the trap Rich had set on his property earlier in the day. He suspected it was an armadillo that was making his lawn look like it had just been freshly plowed. Based in internet wisdom, Rich baited the trap with overripe fruit. The good news, according to the internet, is that armadillos find that tasty. The bad news is that so do skunks.
After dinner we drove to his trap. It was empty, bait still in place. As Rich drove up our long driveway to drop off my wife and I, he spotted something in our yard - an armadillo in full plow mode. As Rich illuminated the yard with his headlights, I stepped from the car, approached the armadillo and fired. Though armadillos can run surprisingly fast, this armadillo slowly started to amble toward the woods. I fired again. He kept ambling. On the third shot, the armadillo went belly up.
As I walked back to the car, my knees shaking, my wife hollered "He's still moving!" Back I went. From close range I put the armadillo (affectionately known around our house as "possum on the half shell") out of his misery.
In the morning I went back to inspect his remains. He reposed, peacefully, on his back. His search for bugs in my yard eternally ended. As I inspected his corpse, I discovered why he hadn't used his lightning speed to run away after my first shot. There was a bullet hole about three inches from his "reproductive organ" which was dangling to one side. I suppose that can certainly take some speed out of any species retreat.
I now know where I'm going to aim if someone like Blaec ever opens fire at a movie I'm attending. Guys - where is the very last place you would want to get hit with a baseball bat? Yeah, me too.
WARNING - GRAPHIC PICTURE Note the proximity of the bullet hole to what I will refer to as "armdillo junk".
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