A Bad Time to be at a Loss for Words

It was reported in the news today that the last words of Hugo Chavez were “Please don’t let me die!”  Not exactly “I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country”, but not everyone can be eloquent on their deathbed.  The words of Chavez reminded me of the last words of Louisiana politician, Huey Long.  Long’s last words were “Don’t let me die.  I have so much to do.” 

Last words have always fascinated me.  They run the gamut from humor to rage to resignation to surprise to joy.  Here, for your consideration, are some of my favorite “famous last words”:

Henry Ward Beech - Now comes the mystery.

Lou Costello - That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted.

Karl Marx - Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt - I have a terrific headache.

Dylan Thomas - I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record.

George Washington - It is well, I die hard, but I am not afraid to go.

H. G. Wells - Go away... I'm alright."

Oscar Wilde - Either this wallpaper goes, or I do!

French Grammarian Dominique Bouhours – I am about to — or I am going to — die: either expression is correct.

Humphrey Bogart – I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.

Joseph Henry Green, upon checking his own pulse – It’s stopped.

Voltaire, when asked by a priest to renounce Satan – Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

George Bernard Shaw - Dying is easy.  Comedy is hard. 

Edgar Allen Poe – God help my poor soul!

Bo Diddley -I'm goin' to heaven! I'm comin' home."

Edward Abbey – No Comment (when asked if he had any last words).

P. T. Barnum – How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?

Kit Carson, American frontiersman – I just wish I had time for one more bowl of chili.

John Dillinger, famous bank robber – You got me.

Thomas Edison – It’s very beautiful over there.

Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. – I’ve never felt better.

Lavinia Fisher, hanged for murder on February 18, 1820, while wearing her white wedding gown – If any of you have a message for the Devil, give it to me, for I am about to meet him!

Henry Ford – I’ll sleep well tonight.

O. Henry (William Sydney Porter) – Turn up the lights – I don’t want to go home in the dark.

Hotelier Conrad Hilton, when asked if he had any final words of wisdom – Leave the shower curtain inside of the tub.

Doc Holliday – This is funny.

Alfred Hitchcock – One never knows the ending.  One has to die to know exactly what happens after death, although Catholics have their hopes.

Harry Houdini – I’m tired of fighting.  I guess this thing is going to get me.

Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin – Don’t worry, they usually don’t swim backwards.

Steve Jobs – Oh wow.  Oh wow. Oh wow.

Volcanologist David A. Johnson’s final radio transmission as Mt. St. Helens was erupting – Vancouver!  Vancouver!  This is it! This is . . .

Groucho Marx – Die, my dear?  Why, that’s the last thing I’ll do!

Explorer Meriwether Lewis – So hard to die.

Actor Vic Morrow – I should have asked for a stunt double!

Lee Harvey Oswald – Aw, no one’s gonna shoot at me.

Broadcaster Tim Russert – What’s happening?

Babe Ruth – I’m going over the valley.

Actor Edmund Gwenn – Yes, it’s tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.

Gangster Frank “Tight Lips” Gusenberg, to the police after being gunned down in the St. Valentine’s Day massacre – Nobody shot me.

Billie Holliday – Don’t be in such a hurry.

Convicted murderer & would-be poet Robert Alton Harris – You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everybody dances with the grim reaper.

Harris died in the gas chamber at San Quentin State Prison on April 21, 1992.  For his last meal he requested a 21-piece bucket from KFC, two large Domino’s pizzas, a bag of jelly beans, a six-pack of Pepsi and a pack of Camel cigarettes. 

Hard to do much dancing after a after a meal like that.

I consider Mexican Outlaw/Hero Pancho Villa the spokesman for everyone who can’t think of anything witty or eloquent to say as they breathe their last. “Don’t let it end like this.  Tell them I said something” were Pancho’s last words.

Humorist Will Rogers died in a plane crash with one-eyed pilot, Wiley Post.

Unconfirmed reports were that Roger's last words were

"Wiley, I think you've got that patch on the wrong eye!"