A Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tools

Headstart Program for Budding Mechanics

As Baby Boomers retire, I seem to hear a common refrain:  “________ (fill in the career blank) has been good to me, but THANK GOD I’m not starting out NOW!"  This seems to be an especially common sentiment among teachers.  Doug Bartlett could be the poster boy for this group.

 

Mr. Bartlett, a 17-year veteran in the classroom and a second-grade teacher at Chicago’s Washington Irving Elementary School, was suspended from his job last month and charged with “possessing, carrying, storing or using a weapon”.   His offense?  He brought some common tools to class - pliers, wrenches and screwdrivers - as part of a lesson on the proper use of tools for his second-graders.

Though I personally subscribe to the theory that one can get by with only two tools  – WD-40 to make things go and duct tape to make them stop – I’m certain that many second graders have a much greater mechanical aptitude than I do and could benefit from a little classroom tool time. 

I received an email this week that summarized my experience with tools.  I would call it “A Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tools”.    Here are a few examples that nail my experiences with tools pretty well:

Skil Saw – A portable cutting tool to make boards too short.

Belt Sander – An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Wire Wheel – Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light.

Channel Locks – Used to round off bolt heads.

Table saw – A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wood integrity.

Band Saw – A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces of wood into smaller pieces that more easily fit in the trash after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside edge.

Two-ton Engine hoist – A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the hoses you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver – Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Common screwdriver – a tool for opening paint cans and for converting common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PVC Pipe Cutter – A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

Hammer – a tool used to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

Utility knife – Used to slice through the contents of cardboard cartons.

&@#%&!!! Tool – Any handy tool that you grab in frustration and throw across the garage while yelling &@#%&!!!!.  It is usually the next tool that you will need.

Attorneys for The Rutherford Institute have filed a civil rights lawsuit on behalf of Mr. Bartlett.  I wish them success.  I lift my coffee mug and offer them the following "mechanic’s toast of solidarity" in support of their cause:

RIGHTY-TIGHTY, LEFTY-LOOSEY!

On second thought, that’s probably considered "hate speech" in Chicago.