Of Pets and Paradise

A recent survey by the American Heart Association concluded that pet owners have a lower risk of heart disease than non-pet-owners.   A Reuters article on the subject stated “Research has shown that the loyalty and love pets display can reduce stress, anxiety, depression and loneliness in their owners and increase their sense of self-esteem”.  In other words, throwing sticks to dogs can delay  getting stuck in the ground.

Increased longevity does NOT extend to the neighbors of pet owners, who sometimes find INCREASED levels of stress, anxiety, depression and loneliness as a result of the dog(s) and/or cat(s) next door.

Let me offer a personal example. 

When my wife and I lived in Kansas City, neighbors two doors down had two rambunctious, verbally-expressive mutts penned in their back yard.  As can happen in doggy math, 1+ 1 soon equaled 8 rambunctious, verbally –expressive mutts.  Much of their verbal expression came, to use a phrase my grandmother liked, “in the wee, small hours of the morning.”

While my neighbor’s blood pressure and stress level may have been pegging new lows, mine were on a decidedly upward trajectory.  Usually, I chose to deal with the problem by discussing it directly with my neighbor - at 3 AM.  “Hey, Jim.  I’m concerned about your dogs.  They just woke me up with their barking.  I certainly hope they are all right.”  After hanging up, I would hear my neighbor checking on his dogs from his window.  “SHUT UP!”  he would scream in a concerned voice.

That temporary strategy kicked the can on down the road but never resolved the issue.  Then, one glorious day I stumbled on a permanent solution.  (No dogs or humans were injured in the execution of my permanent solution.)   I received, via first-class mail, a letter from a local realtor.  “Would I be interested in a free market appraisal of my home?”  If so, I was instructed to return the enclosed postcard with my name and address.  That I did, with two exceptions.  I returned it with my dog loving NEIGHBOR’S name and address instead.  A week later a real estate sign appeared in my neighbor’s yard.  The house sold, problem solved.  Thank you, enterprising realtor!

Does the role pets play in keeping you (temporarily) out of heaven earn a spot in heaven for your devoted pet?  In a sermon I heard a few years back by Dr. Monte Shinkle, Dr. Shinkle addressed this matter.  Though he admitted his conclusion was definitely not a crowd pleaser, Dr. Shinkle stated that he was unable to find any scriptural evidence that all dogs go to heaven.  Or any, for that matter.

Will Rogers felt strongly about this question.  He once stated “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

Personally, I’d be a little cautious with a blanket statement like that lest my request be answered and I find myself engaged in a joy-inspiring doggy activity, like rolling in a pile of stinky stuff, for eternity. 

After analyzing this matter, Mark Twain concluded, “Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in”.

Groucho Marx had a different view of pets and paradise.  He summed it up like this:  “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

For what it is worth, Groucho lived to be 86,  Mark Twain died at 74, and  Will Rogers died at 55 in a plane crash with one-eyed pilot Wiley Post at the controls.  Will made many observations during his short life.  Reportedly, his last one was “Wiley, I think you got that patch on the wrong eye!”