Admiring My Wife's Tomatoes



Photo of the sinister Tomato Worm taken by Mike Nowak

I just finished one of the more expensive meals I've ever eaten.  It wasn't at a fancy restaurant.  And no, it wasn't at some $500 a plate political fundraiser either.  In fact, the setting was casual enough that I dined without a shirt.  It was right in our own home and consisted of bacon, toast, cantaloupe, and four of the most expensive tomatoes (and best!) I've ever eaten.   Here is a run-down of how much the meal cost:

$2 - 8 oz of bacon & 4 slices of bread
$3.00 - 1 cantaloupe
$320 - 4 home-grown tomatoes
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$325 total cost ($161 per sandwich).

If the tomatoes seem expensive, the breakdown is as follows:

40 hours of labor at $7.25 an hour (min. wage)- $290.00, plus $30 for gardening supplies.  Thank goodness the tomato plants were given to us by my dad!  After a couple of months of tending and sheltering the plants from pests and disease, my wife harvested 4 tomatoes today!

Along the way, we became familiar with Manduca quinquemaculata - also known as the tomato hornworm (see picture above).  These hornworms have a voracious appetite and blend in with the tomato stem making them difficult to spot, especially the babies.  My wife dealt with them organically.  She picked them off, put them in a jar and I fed them to the fish in our pond.  The circle of life!  If allowed to feed unmolested these hornworms turn into a moth the size of a hummingbird.

After my wife got over worms, she got black bottom.   OK, not her.  Her tomatoes.  Black bottom, she discovered, occurs when the soil is calcium-deficient.  After she added calcium to the soil, her case of black bottom disappeared.

After much soul searching about when to harvest, I decided tonight was the night.  My decision was based on the fact that if we waited one more day and a raccoon harvested the tomatoes my wife would go from a case of black bottom to a severe case of "red ass".  It has been my experience that matrimonial bliss is severely lacking when she is afflicted with this common disease with which every married man can identify.

I have come to the conclusion that it is far cheaper to buy farm produce than try to grow it ourselves.  Gardening may be good for the soul but it is a rare gardener who becomes filthy rich working in the soil.   In fact, I tend to agree with Jim Hightower's observation that  “The only difference between a pigeon and the American farmer today is that a pigeon can still make a deposit on a John Deere.”

After we finished our sandwiches I complimented my wife on her crop.  "Is that a tick in your belly button?" she responded.  Further scrutiny revealed it was only a piece of lint.  "We'd best not take any chances" I replied.  "I've been working outside and you've been in your garden so we better check each other for ticks!"  City folks might call that a preventative health measure to avoid Lyme disease.  Country folks have another word for it:  foreplay.



2012 Tomato Crop as of July 11