Just Bend Over and Say "Ah"

I'm From the Government
and I'm Here to Help You!

My phone rang the other day. It was a strange voice - a computer-generated voice actually. It was calling on behalf of President Obama and Congress regarding the new health law recently declared constitutional by the Supreme Court as a humongous tax. The new health care law requires health insurers to provide “free” tests. That means if I am not paying for it, you are. The machine had some questions about my rear end, normally the domain of another government agency, the IRS.

"Is this Doug Reece?" it asked.

"Yes" I answered.

"To prove it's you, please speak your birth year" it instructed.

"Nineteen-forty-eight" I responded dutifully.

"I'm sorry. I didn't understand you. Please speak your birth year" it repeated.

"ONE-NINE-FOUR-EIGHT!" I said loudly. ("Who are you talking to?" hollered my wife from downstairs).

"Thank you" the machine said. "I notice you have not had a colonoscopy in the past 12 months. Is this correct?"

"YES!" I said. "I had one 3 years ago and the Doctor said I didn't need another one for at least 5 years."

"Have you had a colonoscopy in the last 12 months? Please say 'YES' or 'NO'  the machine repeated, ignoring my explanation.

"NO!" I answered. "I'd like to speak with a human!"

Ignoring my request, the machine continued it's assigned task. "Is this because you are scared of colonoscopies, a procedure in which a lighted, bendable tube is inserted into your rear end and maneuvered approximately 50 feet into your large intestine?" the machine continued.

"NO! I am not scared. I have had several" I said defensively.

"Are you worried about what the Doctor might find?" it asked anyway.

"NO!"

"Are you nervous about the preparatory procedure where you drink a gallon of foul-tasting liquid and spend 4-6 hours within arms-length of your toilet?"

"NO! I’d like to speak with a member of the human race!”

"Are you afraid the nurses might laugh when they see your rear end?” it continued. (Note - this might not be the exact verbiage used by the business-like, no nonsense machine).

After explaining a colonoscopy to me in detail (“some tests are a lot more comfortable than they used to be!”), the machine asked if it could send me health tips by email. Remembering the struggle the machine had recognizing my birth year, I knew I was in for another 30 minutes getting it to understand “aboomer@embarqmail.com”. I hung up. So far no SWAT team has appeared at my residence with a warrant for my arrest for sassing a government-sanctioned robot.

I don’t think that phase of the new law is scheduled for implementation until after the election.

P.S. - If you are over 50 and have not had a colonoscopy, please do so whether a robot calls you or not. It seems to be the patriotic thing to do.  Plus, it can save your life. If you don’t have a Doctor, I’d recommend my butt doctor, Dr. Rodney Atkinson (573-635-7651). You’ll sleep through the hole thing.

For a first-hand report on an actual a colonoscopy, I highly recommend this article by Dave Barry titled A journey into my colon - and yours.

http://www.miamiherald.com/2009/02/11/427603/dave-barry-a-journey-into-my-colon.html